Posted by: FollowingtheSunnah | July 22, 2011

‘And Live With Them in Kindness’

‘And Live With Them in Kindness’

Compiled and Translated

By

Abbas Abu Yahya

1 -Allaah Ta’ala said:

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً

<< And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility[1] in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy[2]. >> [Room: 21]

2 -Allaah Ta’ala said:

وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

<< and live with them in kindness[3]>>[4] [Nisa: 19]

3 – From Abu Hurairah -Radi Allaahu anhu- that Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said:

 دينار أنفقته في سبيل الله ، ودينار تصدقت به في رقبة ، ودينار تصدقت به على مسكين ، ودينار أنفقته على أهلك . أعظمها أجرا الذي أنفقته على أهلك

‘From the Dinar (money) that you spent in the path of Allaah, the Dinar that you spent in freeing a slave, the Dinar that you gave in charity to a needy person, and the Dinar you spent on your family, the one that is the greatest in reward is the one that you spent on your family.’[5]

4 – From Abu Hurairah -Radi Allaahu anhu- that Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said:

إن أكمل المؤمنين إيماناً أحسنهم خُلقاً، وخياركم خياركم لنسائكم

‘The most complete of the Believers in their Eemaan are those who have the best manners[6], and the best of you[7] are those who are best to their women.’[8]

5 – From ‘Amr bin al-Ahwaas from the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- who said:

أَلاَ إِنَّ لَكُمْ عَلَى نِسَائِكُمْ حَقًّا وَلِنِسَائِكُمْ عَلَيْكُمْ حَقًّا

‘Indeed you have rights upon your women and they have rights upon you.’[9]

6 – From Abu Hurairah -Radi Allaahu anhu- who said that the Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said:

‫لا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً إِنْ كَرِهَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَرَ

 ‘A believing man should not hate a believing woman, if he dislikes a mannerism of hers, he will be pleased with another mannerism.’[10]

7 – From Abdullaah bin Zamah -Radi Allaahu anhu- that the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said:

يعمد أحدكم فيجلد امرأته جلد العبد فلعله يضاجعها من أخر يومه

‘None of you should lash your wife[11] like the lashing of a slave, and then perhaps at night he has intercourse with her.’[12]

8 – From Sa’ad bin Abi Waqqas -Radi Allaahu anhu- that the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said:

إِنَّكَ لَنْ تُنْفِقَ نَفَقَةً تَبْتَغِي بِهَا وَجْهَ اللَّهِ إِلا أُجِرْتَ عَلَيْهَا ، حَتَّى فِي اللُّقْمَةِ تَرْفَعُهَا إِلَى فِي امْرَأَتِكَ

‘Indeed you do not spend some wealth desiring the Face of Allaah except that you are rewarded for it, even for the food you place in your wife’s mouth.’[13]

9 –  ‘Aeysha -Radi Allaahu anha- said:

ما ضرب صلى الله عليه وسلم بيده خادما قط و لا امرأة

‘The Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- never ever hit[14] a servant, or a woman.’[15]

10 – Ibn Abbas -Radi Allaahu anhu- said:

‘Indeed I love to beautify myself for my wife just like I love that she beautifies herself for me.’[16]

11 – From Abdullaah bin ‘Amr -Radi Allaahu anhu- the Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said:

كفى بالمرء إثماً أن يضيع من يقوت

‘It is sufficient as a sin upon a man that he does not take responsibility over those he is responsible for.’[17]

12- From Ibn Umar -Radi Allaahu anhu- the Messenger of Allaah said:

إن أعظم الذنوب عند الله رجل تزوج امرأة فلما قضى حاجته منها طلقها وذهب بمهرها ، ورجل استعمل رجلا فذهب بأجرته ، وآخر يقتل دابة عبثا

 ‘Indeed the greatest of sins to Allaah are that a man marries a woman and when he has satisfied his need from her, he divorces her and goes off with her dowry.  And that a man employs another man and goes off with his salary and that a person kills his riding animal frivolously.’[18]

13- From Mu’aweeyah bin Haydah -Radi Allaahu anhu- who said:

‘I asked the Messenger of Allaah what is the right that the wife has upon one of us?

The Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said:

أن تطعمها إذا طعمت وتكسوها إذا اكتسيت ولا تضرب الوجه ولا تقبح ولا تهجر إلا في البيت

‘That you feed her when you eat, and clothe her when you clothe yourself,[19] and do not hit her on her face and do not say may Allaah deface you,[20] and do not keep away from her except in the home[21].’[22]

In another wording from Bahz Hakeem from his father, with the wording: He said: ‘I had said: O Prophet of Allaah, regarding our wives, what should we do and what should we be cautioned from?’

The Messenger said:

حرثك ، إئت حرثك أنى شئت غير أن لا تضرب الوجه ، ولا تقبح ، ولا تهجر إلا في البيت ، وأطعم إذا طعمت ، واكس إذا اكتسيت ، كيف وقد أفضى بعضكم إلى بعض ، ( بما حل عليه)

‘She is your tilth, come to your tilth as you please, except that you do not strike her face, nor say may Allaah make you ugly, nor keep away from her except in the house, and feed her when you eat, and clothe her when you clothe yourself, and how can you not since you have gone in unto each other, except with what she has been made permissible for you.’[23]

 

13- From al-Miqdam bin Ma’dee Karib al-Kindi that the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- stood amongst the people and praised Allaah and exalted Him and said:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا، إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا، فَإِنَّهُنَّ أُمَّهَاتُكُمْ وَبَنَاتُكُمْ وَخَالاتُكُمْ، إِنَّ الرَّجُلَ مِنْ أَهْلِ الْكِتَابِ يَتَزَوَّجُ الْمَرْأَةَ وَمَا تُعَلِّقُ يَدَاهَا الْخَيْطَ، فَمَا يَرْغَبُ وَاحِدٌ مِنْهُمَا عَنْ صَاحِبِهِ حَتَّى يَمُوتَا هَرَمًا

‘Indeed Allaah advices[24] you in the strongest possible terms to be good to women, indeed Allaah advices you in the strongest possible terms to be good to women, advices you in the strongest possible terms with regards to women, indeed they are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your paternal aunts (father’s sisters) and your maternal aunts (mother’s sisters).  Indeed a man from the people of the two books (Jews & Christians) marries a woman and does not hit her, each one of them continues to desire his companion until he dies in old age.’

Abu Salmah said I narrated this hadeeth to al-Ala bin Sufyaan al-Ghassanee who said:

‘Indeed it has reached me that from the evil hidden sins which Allaah has made Haraam, which are not clearly mentioned in the Qur’aan, are that a man marries a woman and when his companion becomes old and she has stayed with him for a long time, and has produced all that her womb can, then he divorces her without any reason to do so.’[25]

14 – Shaykh AbdurRahman bin Nasr as-Sa’adi (d. 1376 A.H.) said:

‘Allaah Ta’ala said regarding dealings:

<< And do not forget liberality between yourselves. >> [Baqarah: 227]

Which means, make a place for excellence and Ihsaan in your dealings.  Do not take all your rights, rather make things easy and do not make them difficult, and be pardoning in buying and selling, in settling a debt and times of need.  And whoever necessitates upon himself this goodness achieves a lot of good and great good. And Allaah Knows best.’[26]

 


[1] Shaykh Rabee’ ibn Haadee al-Madkhali said: ‘This Ayaah confirmed the blessing of living together in tranquillity since Allaah placed love and mercy between the husband and wife. Verily this blessing of living together in tranquillity cannot be achieved except if it is in an atmosphere which is surrounded and fragranced by love and mercy.’

[Taken from: ‘al-Haqooq wal-Waajibat . . . . p.19]

[2] Shaykh AbdurRahman bin Nasr as-Sa’adi (d. 1376 A.H.) said:

‘From those signs that indicate Allaah’s Mercy and His concern for His slaves, and His great Wisdom and His all-Encompassing knowledge is << that He created for you from yourselves mates >> whom are suited to you and you are suited for them, and they are similar to you and you are similar to them.

<<that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.>> with what results from marriage is a means that causes love and mercy, so a person receives enjoyment and pleasure from the wife and the benefit of the presence of offspring and educating them, and finds tranquility with them and generally you do not find amongst people the like of the love and mercy found between husband and wife.’

[‘Tayseer al-Kareem ar-Rahman fee Tafseer Kalam al-Mannan’ 6/p.97]

[3] Shaykh Muhammed bin Salih al-Uthaymeen (d.1421 A.H.) said:

‘Living with them: means companionship and dealings, so a person deals with her in a good way and likewise to have good companionship with her.’

[Sharh Riyadh as-Saliheen’ 3/114]

[4] al-Hafidh Emaad ad-Deen Isma’eel Ibn Katheer (d. 774 A.H.) -Rahimullaah-  said: ‘This means, speak to them in a good way and make your actions and your appearance  good as much as you can, just like you would love that from your partner, then you should deal with her as you would like to be dealt with, as Allaah Ta’ala said: << And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable,>> and the Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said: ‘and the best of you are those who are best to their women.’ And from the Messenger’s mannerisms was that he would live with his wives in a beautiful way, always smiling, being playful with his family and being gentle with them, and spending on them and making his women laugh.’ [Taken from: ‘Tafseer al-Qur’aan al-Atheem’ 1/608]

[5] Collected by Muslim

[6] Shaykh Albaani said: ‘Good manners: sacrificing to do good deeds, preventing harm and having a cheerful face.’

[Riyadh as-Saliheen p. 159]

[7]  Shaykh Uthaymeen said: ‘Regarding the saying of the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam: ‘The best of you . . .’ This person is the best of the people, he is the best of them to his wife. So if you have any goodness, then make that goodness for the closest of the people to you, and make it so that your wife is the first to benefit from this good.

And this is the opposite of what some people do today, you find that he has bad manners with his wife, and has good behavior with other people, and this is a great mistake.

Your wife has the most right to good behavior, and having the best manners to them, because she is the one who is with you day and night, openly and secretly.  If you are afflicted with something she is afflicted along with you, and if your happy, she is happy along with you, if your sad, she is sad along with you, therefore you should make your dealings with her better than your dealings with strangers, so the best of the people are those who are best of them to their wives.

I ask Allaah to complete my Eemaan and that of the Muslims, and that he makes us the best of the slaves of Allaah to our wives and upon those who have a right upon us. [Taken from: ‘Explanation of Riyadh as-Saliheen’ 3/134]

[8] Albaani said in ‘Silsilah Saheehah’ no. 284, ‘it is from the hadeeth of Abu Hurairah -Radi Allaahu anhu- collected by Tirmidhi and Ahmad and the first part of the hadeeth is collected by Abu Dawood, Ibn Abee Shaybah in ‘al-Musannaf’, Abu Na’eem in ‘al-Hileeyah’ and Haakim and he said it is Saheeh upon the conditions of Muslim and Dhahabi agreed with him.’

[9] Collected by Tirmidhi, declared Hasan by Albaani No.1163

[10] Collected by Muslim

[11] Shaykh Uthaymeen said: ‘He lashes his wife like he lashes any other person as if there was no relationship between him and his wife, and as if she is a captive slave, helper to him.  This is not befitting because the relationship between a man and his wife is a special relationship, which must be built upon love, compassion, and keeping far away from evil, whether it is in speech or in action.

As for lashing her like lashing a slave, then at night to have intercourse with her, then how is it possible that you have intercourse with her at night with love, and then take pleasure and desire from her and you had lashed her like the lashing of a slave? !

This is a contradiction; this is why the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- rebuked this action. It is not befitting that this occurs from a human being, and the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- spoke the truth, indeed this does not befit an intelligent person more over a believer.’ [Taken from: ‘Sharh Riyadh as-Saliheen’ 3/119]

[12] Collected by Bukhari & Muslim

[13] Collected by Bukhari & Muslim

[14] Shaykh AbdulMuhsin al-Abbad al-Badr said about this hadeeth in his explanation of Sunnan Abi Dawood:

‘The compiler mentions the hadeeth of ‘Aeysha -Radi Allaahu anha-:

‘That the Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- never ever hit a servant, or a woman.’

That was because of his noble manners, he was forgiving and he -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- would live with his wives in a good way. An incident of hitting a servant, from those servants who used to serve him, never occurred.  He -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- never hit any of his wives, rather he was gentle, merciful, forgiving and he -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- love and gentleness.  This indicates to his -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- perfect mannerisms, even though there perhaps may have occurred transgression and matters by which some servants warranted reprimanding, however the Prophet’s -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- character and his way was gentle, forgiving and pardoning in his matters.’

[15] Collected by Muslim

[16] Collected by al-Bayhaqi

[17] Collected by Ahmad, Nisa’ee, Hakim & Albaani declared it ‘Hasan Lighayrihi’ in ‘Saheeh Targheeb wa Tarheeb’ Vol.2 No.1965

[18] Collected by Hakim & al-Bayhaqi. Albaani said in ‘Silsilah Saheehah’ no. 999 and Saheeh al-Jamia’ 1567 [Hasan]

[19] Shaykh Uthaymeen said: regarding the saying of the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam-  ‘that you feed her when you eat, and clothe her when you clothe yourself,’ Which means, do not specify clothing yourself without taking a concern in clothing her, nor feeding yourself and not feeding her.  Rather she is your partner, it is obligatory to spend on her as you spend upon yourself, so much so that many of the scholars say: ‘If a man does not spend on his wife, and she requests a divorce from the judge, then it is upon the judge to cancel the marriage, due to the husband being deficient about her right which is obligatory for her.’ [Explanation of Riyad as-Saliheen 3/131]

[20] Shaykh Uthaymeen said: ‘Regarding the saying of the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam: ‘do not call her ugly. . .’ It means do not say you are ugly, or say: may Allaah disfigure your face.  What is included in this prohibition of calling her ugly is the prohibition of claiming she is ugly whether it is tangible or (in meaning) intangible. So do not say: ‘You are from a unnoble tribe, or from an evil family etc.’ all of this is from claiming she is ugly which Allaah has prohibited.’ [Explanation of Riyad as-Saliheen 3/132]

Hafidh al-Mundhari said: ‘It means do not say disliked things to her, and do not curse her.’ [‘Saheeh Targheeb wa Tarheeb’ 2/p.411]

[21] Shaykh Albaani said: ‘Except if it is necessary, due to it being established when the Prophet -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam – made Hijrah (boycotted) from his wives due to a drink that he took outside the home’

[Riyad as-Saliheen p.159]

[22] Collected by Ahmad, Ibn Hibban al-Albaani ‘Saheeh Targheeb wa Tarheeb’ No.1929 & he declared it to be Saheeh.

[23] Collected by Ahmad, Abu Dawood & Albaani declared the Sanad to be Hasan in ‘Irwaa al-Ghaleel’ 7/p.98

[24] In the explanation of the word Waseeyah: ‘and I strongly advise you to be good to women’ which means: accept my advice regarding women, and act upon it, be patient with them, be gentle with them and be good to them.’

[Taken from: ‘al-Mufhim lima Ashkal min Talkhees Kitab Muslim’ by Umar bin Ibraheem al-Qurtoobi]

[25] Collected by Ibn ‘Aasakir in ‘Tareekh Dimishq’ from Yahya bin Jabir.

[26] ‘Bahtaja al-Qaloob al-Abraar wa Qarat Ayoon al-Akhbar’- No. 61 p.120

 

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